I’ve 🐝 bee-n fighting for two years now. I have this « job » that I’ve been stuck with forever now. My inability to enjoy the little things of life is just another indication of my dereliction: hating the bitter man I’m becoming, seeing myself in people I despise, being unable to think, speak, create.
There’s no future for me here. No way out from my work. No time to dedicate to what I love. I read the introduction of Camus’ « L’homme Révolté » about absurdism in other to be something else than a consuming shitty human, and I don’t agree with most of the moral dilemmas: killing yourself is not the same as killing another person. I’m making a choice for myself and maybe, one of the limits of this argument is that I’m imposing my absence on others…
But who might miss me? My family & friends? It’s true, there are the ones that made me stay this long, but nothing is changing, and I need to help myself.
ಥ_ಥ, maybe see you tomorrow ?
Buy a tiny house, put all my music stuff in it, invite some friends and make some synthwave.
Then, boot up Linux, contribute to open-source and reach the highest level of masteries of the C programming language arcanes.
At night, buy good groceries from the store to make super good food and then DM my roleplaying game campaign for my friends and go to bed after a full filling day of meaningful work.
Then try to visit the world, meet people, make friends, talk do stuff and repeat.
I want to work, but work on meaningful stuff.