I would really appreciate any help! I connected with this guy on a dating app a few months ago and we started texting. It naturally paused while I was traveling during the holidays, and he said update him upon my return. However, I had to deal with a traumatic personal matter and needed time to decompress after the loss. I was still thinking of him though and knew I had to text him. A month later, I apologized and explained everything; he was thankfully understanding.
Eventually, it became several phone calls for 2-3 hours each time (I initiated the 1st one after he said let’s plan a date and I was too drained to jump right into meeting in person). Talking was so natural and calls flew by. Then we soon met for our first date in person, and I know the order of events was perhaps already a disadvantageous road less traveled, but the date didn’t go well. Leading up to the day of, he mentioned feeling nervous and kept asking if I was too, so I tried to make him feel more at ease. I recognize that the guy does not owe the gal paying for her on a date, as assumed by certain gender role stereotypes, but from my experience the majority have at least offered to cover a beverage and it is appreciated. He did not, and threw me off even more by taking my coffee (I ordered first and we ultimately had the same order), leaving me there awkwardly waiting for the next one to be made while he put his cream/sugar in. I felt that was strange and rude right off the bat, even with nerves.
When he mentioned the next spot he wanted to head to after that, we went but it was too crowded and I consider it to be one of my safe havens in general so I started feeling anxious about spending hours with him there especially after the coffee incident. I politely suggested a similar smaller, less crowded venue and he seemed offput, as if I was personally attacking his choice. We did go but he made remarks that alluded it fell short of his expectations. He was also quite different in person, behaving aloof and unfocused which he admitted is his usual demeanor, expressing how emo and dark he can be as well. This was right before Valentine’s Day so I wasn’t surprised when we did no contact until he texted 1.5 months later, apologizing for ghosting me and saying he wasn’t mentally ready for dating and felt really lost. I haven’t replied and it’s been another month.
He seems a bit depressed and I genuinely want nothing but for him to be well. Part of me has wanted to reply but I fear him ignoring it for another month and this continuing to drag out (I take accountability for contributing to that), or worse - ghosting me completely. I don’t see a romantic future with him at this point and want to handle this the right way. Should I reply or leave it be? If reply, how should I phrase it? Was the coffee thing just due to nerves? For 1st dates, thoughts on whether guys should pay and if it’s okay for gal to counter with a different venue? Any other input/advice?
If you want to go on another date with him, contact him and say so. If you don’t want to go on another date with him, don’t contact him.
If you cannot tell whether you want to go on another date with him, quit your job and go on a permanent meditation retreat with occasional psychedelic use until you figure that out.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re in the third situation, and that’s a very serious problem, and I am not kidding about the advised strategy. Life is absolutely not worth living unless you are in touch with your own feelings.
It’s so much easier to make decisions when you are in touch with your feelings, and the way you write comes off like a person who doesn’t know how they feel and tries to substitute thinking for feeling in decision-making.
So my advice is take a few years to get in touch with your body and your heart.
Thanks for input. I know there’s always room for self-work as we all can relate but I assure you it’s not to that degree personally. Just for the big picture, I was very hungover when writing this after not going out for a very long time, but didn’t want to postpone it more so it might sound a bit like I’m thinking out loud. Please be kind with me; when it comes to love or lack thereof, it can be a very grey area for all and I really am doing my best to process experiences. I do believe it’s possible to better understand body/mind/heart while balancing a productive career as well.
I prefer love to kindness. I’d rather not see people make the same mistake I did, of trying to think my way through important relationship decisions. I hurt myself and others by trying to strategize about love. It was all because I was totally out of touch with my feelings, had no idea, and couldn’t commit to anything unless there was someone else to put their seal of approval on my decisions.
Again, not kidding. I wish I had shaved my head and become a buddhist monk instead of spending the last two decades the way I did. I had the urge, and it was the right urge, but I didn’t trust it. The only reason I didn’t recommend that for you is I don’t know if you’d be a monk or a nun.
But no, I thought I had to work on my career and make strategic decisions.
If I sound harsh, it’s because I’m trying to scare you. The inability to know whether you want that second date is a serious problem which should, in my opinion, be treated as priority one.
Just my two cents. Yes love is full of danger and potential pitfalls. Without the most basic form of radar being operational, ie your own heart, the probability of a disaster is just too high.
I have to clarify that I was and am resolute about not wanting a second date with him, just wanted some thoughts on the actual responding back part, so that takes care of that. I think there are definitely individuals where that decision would work well but not for me at this time, and I know this is a platform for people to share their two cents that will go both ways.