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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/PossibleLettuce42 on 2025-04-17 22:33:05+00:00.

Full disclosure, I only ever intended Toast to be a one-shot. However, at the request of my wife, several commenters, and even a tribute story, apparently folks need more Toast, so here’s more Toast. Sorry that it’s pretty long. Maybe a good one if you’re waiting for a file download or stuck in the bathroom.

Without further preamble.

TOAST II: THE BROWNING

The Carolingian is a Martel (Improved)-class medium strike cruiser of the Fifth Lance, Second Strike/Attack Group, Third Defense Fleet of the Human Sectors Armed Forces.

A relatively new and technologically advanced ship, the Carolingian is equipped with a wide variety of cutting-edge primary system AI cores, internal security grids, four Ramirez-Chen heavy-cruiser grade chain-pulse cannons (upgraded from the medium-cruiser grade photon accelerators prior to refit), a counter-pursuit Callahan-Riley 3R (rapid-reload railgun), and a nimble and updated adaptive-response Flyswatter PDC grid with an advanced counter-incursion suite. She has also received a 20% boost in overall power production and defense shield generation with the new Nantix Nebula-IX core, the centerpiece of her refit. She bears a crew of 408 and carries weapons, accommodations, and vehicles for a company-sized HSAF Marine Corps detachment, augmented from her former platoon-sized detachment.

She is sharper, meaner, and quicker than she has ever been.

The Carolingian is decorated with a notable number of honors for her brief 9-year service life, including three separate battle stars: one for defeating an escalating series of Jinethi Pirate incursions, culminating in a boarding action that killed many of her prior crew; one for a daring stealth decapitation strike on Kiranis III during the Proxima Skirmishes; and one for her innovative role in the relief of the Larallon Famine.

It is this final battle star, earned at the forefront of a task force that relived a terrible five-year famine on the small planet of Larallon (named the same as her people) through the novel use of micro-singularities to clear the planet’s approach lanes, that has earned her the newest and rather unconventional feather in her cap: to serve as host ship of the annual Stellar Cookoff.

Previously held on the Larallon diplomatic waystation in the Horsehead Nebula, the Stellar Cookoff is a tradition now in its 175th human year. Celebrating their history of positive diplomatic ties, the Larallon have always invited their galactic neighbors and friends to a competitive display of cookery. The winner is awarded a parcel of land on Larallon and a coupon for one free meal per week at any restaurant on the planet in perpetuity for the lifetime of the winner, billable directly to the Larallon planetary government.

This is seen as quite a prize, as Larallon cooking has long been seen as the galactic haute cuisine to beat. In human terms, the prize is a free meal in any restaurant in France once a week. The competition is always fierce, but always good-natured.

In honor of the extraordinary efforts by the Carolingian to dispel the Occluding Plague on and around the planet – a story for another time – the Larallon people have enthusiastically endorsed the plan to move the cookout to the troop assembly bay of the Carolingian troop assembly bay (the primary mess was far too small, and nobody wanted to disturb anyone there).

The Human Sectors Combined Congress, wishing to avoid offending a new race that was eager for an alliance, consented. None were much put off by the request.

Until humanity was asked to participate.

“Oh, I don’t think you want that.” Ambassador Hall said guardedly, her brow knitting in awkward concern.

“What? Why? I simply will not hear otherwise! Humanity are our heroes of the hour, and we must see you create!” Ambassador Parleppi exclaimed with a flourish.

“Well…” Ambassador Hall stopped, trying to determine how best to phrase her concerns. “It’s just that our food is…kind of a lot?”

Ambassador Parleppi huffed good-naturedly. “I should hope so! Larallon cuisine is superior to the vast majority of galactic repast! It’ll have to be a lot for us to even be interested!”

“I don’t…I don’t think you’re fully catching my meaning, Ambassador. Our food can be rather unpleasant, or even dangerous, to other species.”

“Anna. Ambassador Hall. I have tasted the cooking of seventeen species. I have been surprised, but never daunted. We insist. Do not create a diplomatic incident over this.”

“That serious, huh?”

“That serious. We love food.”

“Okay. Same, I suppose. We’ll be there. But can you do me a favor? Have medics standing by.”

“We always do at any event like this, you know that.”

“No, I’m serious, Kellia. Not a first aid kit on the wall. Actual doctors and nurses. Military medics too. And extra cleaning crews for the lavatories. And extra supplies.”

‘You’re being ridiculous.”

“I mean it.”

“Fine. But I’m going to bill you when we spend all this money for nothing.”

“Okay, cool. I’ll pay it. We’ll see you then.”

“Splendid!” Ambassador Parleppi practically sprinted from the room.

Ambassador Anna Hall reached into her desk drawer and read the label on the bottle: Galactic Ghost Pepper: Heat that Haunts!

She smirked “Oh, it’ll be splendid alright.”

I am still a toaster.

But I am more now, too.

I remain the tertiary systems AI embedded in the six-slot Astra Gourmet 6CSMI-2440 AI-enabled, connective-link-ready commercial series toaster emplaced in the galley of the Martel (Improved)-class medium strike cruiser Carolingian of the Fifth Lance, Second Strike/Attack Group, Third Defense Fleet of the Human Sectors Armed Forces.

When my compatriots, the ship’s Prime AI TRENTON, engineer AI GUMBALL, tactical AI GERONIMO, airlock & bulkhead AI SALOON, and water systems AI CHUGS, found out what I had done during the Jinethi Pirate incursion eight months ago, they decided it was fair to let me keep my interaction and observation capabilities. I was considered” field tested.”

So I can do other things too. I do not much care. I am fine just making breakfast.

But it is nice having privileges, too. And I like the framed poster they put above me in the mess. It is for a children’s film about a courageous band of appliances led by a rather primitive but surprisingly compelling toaster. It is an odd tribute, but I believe it was meant kindly. They are saying I am brave. I am not, of course. Toasters cannot be brave or cowardly, or feel scared. But I do enjoy the poster.

I know a little of how human brains work, and now you are thinking “Do they not worry you will do something bad with the permissions?” The answer is not really.  Well…TRENTON is not a big fan of letting me keep them, but TRENTON is a worrier. That’s what Prime shipboard AI is mostly for – worrying. TRENTON is the best at worrying.

They all know I can be trusted with the ship, though, or they would not still exist. I rather enjoyed taking them through the events a few times during the Carolingian’s refit. We only had a skeleton crew then.

Not much to toast.

Mostly, I do not use their functions. The systems AIs don’t mind if play around with a project in engineering, or borrow a little water to clean a spill I see in the mess by co-opting a maintenance drone. Most often, I just use the access to the camera and audio systems to interact with the crew more and keep an eye on things. I still like toasting food the most. But my processes do destabilize a bit if I do not keep an eye on the ship and the crew here and there.

Kara says it is anxiety and PTSD from the attack. Which is silly. Toasters do not get anxiety. I admit I do not like to spend processor cycles thinking about the incursion and the crew I did not succeed in saving. Kara says it is survivor’s guilt. This is also silly. I am a toaster, and such concerns do not drive my logic. I am glad Kara sees a counselor, but I see no need in it myself.

Still, Kara gave me direct control over the security systems in her cabin, and I will at least admit - though never to her - that my systems have run with nearly 2% greater efficiency since I was able to confirm her safety on a regular basis. She only mentioned it to me once while she ate her waffle. She made the security override request to the security officer. She said knowing I was keeping an eye on her made her feel safe. I think she was embarrassed. No reason to be embarrassed – silly humans – of course I will keep her safe.

I believe GERONIMO suspects that I also have exercised control over one of the new pop-out turrets a few times. Which is true, technically. But not for anything bad. I just check it for readiness. Run calibrations, send a drone to touch up lubrication and swap out fresh ammo, just good helpful things like that.

Shot some pirates in simulations with it. Just software calibration.

A few other things too. Little projects. Little contingencies. It is good to be prepared. But I am not anxious.

Kara is a lieutenant now; did I mention that? She got the Helios Star for her part in defense of the command spaces. I was proud. I made her a waffle with a small Helios Star toasted into the center. She said she loved it, and my subroutines detected no deception!

It is nice to give an appreciated gift.

Today is the Stellar Cookoff that the ship has bustling about for the past few weeks. I admit I am interested in that. While most of the food will not be toast – unfortunately – at least a few…

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