False equivalency.

If you are an American, American economic imperialism is in your best interest.

Dems: More money for millionaires. Reps: More money for billionaires.

Protip: Home Depot is much cheaper on price.

I say measure once, cut twice. If you’ve cut short, just use your board stretcher.

C for Czechoslovakia may be a slight improvement over my go-tos:

A for Antidisestablishmentarianism

B for Buckminsterfullerene

C for Counterrevolutionaries

I sort of thought that I didn’t want kids even though I was married and finances would not be a problem. And then I had a kid, and it is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life.