I’m in my late 20s. In the last years, I’ve moved a few times and tried out a bunch of things. And discovered I have a hard time getting close to people.
I used to think I just need to go out more. But I found out that most people I meet just don’t seem to “fit” with me.
Let’s say I meet some interesting people, who are funny, smart and have shared interests with me. We make a bit of small talk, hang out, and then I go home exhausted, feeling like I just came out of a work meeting that should have been an email. And given from how they rarely invite me back, I guess the feeling is mutual.
Someone told me I am quite cold towards people I don’t know well. Part of that might be that my usual way of talking is a bit emotionless. Another part could be a consequence of me basically going through the script in my head. “How is work these days? Cool. Yeah, me too. Yup.” I don’t want to be this way. But I also don’t want to go into full sales presentation mode, because that feels really wrong.
I used to think I would just become misanthropic. But there are people where I just click with. Talking to them is not a chore, but something I look forward to. And they seem to enjoy my company as well. Some events seem to have a lot more of “my people”, some less.
If you read my rambling until here, thanks. I genuinely don’t know any more. Am I becoming the old sod sitting on his porch yelling at kids? Or am I just spending time on the wrong people? Have you experienced something similar? And how could I change this?
There’s a few things here.
Based on your language, that’s an assumption. I know it’s easy to assume people are uninterested or hate you or whatever, but people also suck at initiating things and are as unsure as you are. It could just be you guys didn’t vibe, and that’s fine. Invite them again or wait to see if they show interest again. That’ll tell you what you need to know.
I get that completely. I used to be this way, until I started working in a more social environment, then I developed a skill to be fake-charismatic. That might sound exhausting but it does help others feel like you don’t despise their presence, and they’ll warm up to you better. And as for the “full sales presentation mode”, I get it. To be honest, asking questions is a great way of stimulating conversation, and it doesn’t have to be just about work. A good piece of advice is to ask questions you want asked about yourself. People love answering questions, and then they’ll get curious about you.
So, you’ve found people you can click with, that’s great news. Now it’s just a matter of establishing and maintaining connections, inviting people places and doing things that are within both of your interests. But definitely gauge their interest. If they seem to be drifting off, don’t push them. Also, while being sure to show interest in hanging out, don’t be the only one showing interest. There’s people who feed off of treating others like shit while wanting to receive all the attention. You don’t want people like that in your life. You want a friend who invites you as well.
You’re not really doing anything wrong per se. You just need to believe in yourself and have the courage to keep going even if things get tough or you mess up. Because that’s how you learn! Also, people have their own issues and you can’t control that. Just keep going at it and with enough time, you’ll have a great group of your own people.
Also, adding this at the end, but new friends can be very unsure but still want to invite you. If you ever reject an invite, you need to be the one to invite them next time. Otherwise they’ll perceive that as you being uninterested in them.
Great point at the end. Yeah, maybe I need to practice being charismatic towards people more. The weird thing is, it works perfectly with random strangers I don’t give a shit about. I guess I need to accept that things don’t come naturally until they do.