I got a flu shot last week and have been feeling sick since the day after the shot. It feels strange, all the annoyances of being sick without feeling like I’m oozing contagiousness out of every pore.

I’m more annoyed I am unwell enough to go on some hikes. The leaves from all the trees are falling real quick now and I wanted to enjoy the last bits of fall colours. I also want to gather some forest leaves to use as leaf little in my terrariums at home. Leaves far from pesticides. The things I try to do for my little gecko.

Speaking of her, it’s been just over a week now since she’s begun eating again and she’s hungry. I have her outside play area fenced off in my room but I have no idea if she comes out at night during this time of year or just chills in her hiding cave. During the spring and summer time she just wants to explore my whole room and hide under the couch but right now it seems she turned into a hungry little gremlin that just comes out for food. I’ve also noticed with her that she seems more comfortable with me year after year. Even if just a little bit. She still hates hands though so it’s still a struggle attempting to handle her. At least she has a cute little face.

The last couple months for me have been such a huge range of emotions. I’m glad I began seeing a new therapist at a practice which works with lgbt+ people and alternative lifestyles. It’s made such a huge difference and it feels like my therapist is working with me instead of giving me “one size fits all” responses or coping strategies.

I’m also really happy that my therapist suggested I check out some event promoters for meeting people. Ended up going to an Enter Shikari concert last night and met up with with one of those people I met at a mingling event. She came with one of her friends and they were both super nice and so much fun. One of them was off in the mosh pit half the time and trying to crowd surf, the other was this tiny little girl at the edge of the mosh pit pushing people back in. It was amazing. I woke up the day before with a super stiff neck so I stuck to the edge of the mosh pit with the other. Fortunately the muscle relaxants and weed pills I took earlier helped with the pain so I was able to enjoy the night and energy.

Love that band, amazing show and I had such a good time. The person that met at the mingling party is also into techno, including the hard stuff. She also told me to let her know when I’m back in Toronto when we parted so I’m going to let her know what techno parties I’m headed to in the future.

Her friend also gave me a bunch of metal bands to listen to which I’m excited to check out. I cancelled my Spotify account a while ago so I’ve been re-exploring my current library for the past while. It’ll be nice to add something new. Plus I prefer this form of music exploration compared to all the algorithms and “AI” playlists. It’s far less overwhelming and lets me appreciate albums as a whole again.

I’m in such a good mood right now. Could be better but I’m paying the price for being in the mess of a rock show. Should have been resting my neck at home with a heat pad but last night was worth all the pain.

I feel similar in being robbed of the guidance and wisdom from the elders I thought I could look up to.

Not all but far too many of the elders in my life and from my experiences were bitter and selfish. They took out their frustration with personal issues and insecurities on those who dared to be different or do things differently. They enforced their narrow world view on others. Instead of earning the trust and love from their family and community, they demanded respect and attention from everyone.

These types of people are the best examples of how not to behave. Unfortunately, that leaves a knowledge gap as far fewer people are practicing and teaching healthier behaviours. I have found that younger people to be far more accepting, understanding and empathetic. It’s not only refreshing to see but I’ve unexpectedly learned so much about people in general and about myself through younger people. As backwards as it seems, I am still appreciative of that.

Since these old and bitter types had no positive lessons to teach, I took it upon myself to be better than them. I am conscious to how I act around younger people. I make an effort to listen, acknowledge and support them when possible but most importantly, I treat them as people. All the things I wish I had when I was younger and confused. It feels rewarding when they express their appreciation but there is a small emptiness in giving something you barely got yourself in your own life.

I went to a party a couple days ago. It’s meant for queer people to meet new people. Had a surprisingly good night and met a few people.

I really wish I knew how hitting on people works because I’m so painfully oblivious to it all. People seem to have a tendency to start kissing and I have no idea what I’m doing. I was just being nice?? Anyway, that night a guy I was talking to started kissing my neck and I had to politely tell him I was just there to meet new people. Fortunately he took it super well. I have plans to invite him to one of the techno parties I go to regularly which should be fun.

Also, as I was leaving, I happened to be talking to a group of people and someone just happened to mention a band that’s playing in Toronto next week. Turns out her and I are seeing the same band play so I think we are gonna go together? We’ve been slowly texting each other so we’ll see but should be fun either way. I’m still pretty excited.

I look forward to hiking the next couple weeks, the leaves are all changing colours, lots of reds, yellow and orange. I absolutely love fall colours.

The second worst part of a new tattoo is the itch. So itchy…

I got a new tattoo yesterday of a couple of mourning doves. The artist working on me was working around some ticklish areas. I kept jumping at all the light touches when she was wiping away excess ink from the area so I asked her to use a bit more pressure when she was working there. She laughed and said no one has ever asked her to be more rough but I was twitching a whole lot less after I asked. Other than that, it was nice to have a quiet mind for a few hours. Getting a tattoo is the closest thing to meditation I’ll ever get.

Also, I’m going to a party this weekend and am both excited and anxious. I think it might be a techno party but the organizers of the party host events for queer people to meet each other. It’s going to be loud which is awful for me when trying to talk to others. I usually go dance by myself because I’m there for the music but this time I’ll have to try and meet some people. I’m hoping since the event is for meeting new people that things will work itself out. We’ll see how the night goes.

I’ve noticed personally just how different my mind works when I am constantly presented with data for my actions. Even though these random data points have no real affect on my life, I’m still drawn to having those numbers be bigger than before. From the votes I receive from a social media comment to the reactions from a meme posted in a discord server, all I want is more attention through a click of a button from someone else’s screen.

I hate it. It feels like my value is placed into a number. For me, I prefer my value to come from how I treat other people. I feel a far greater sense of self when I am able to put my time and effort into helping other people. I get to learn the inner workings of someone else and teach them to empower themselves. It feels rewarding when later on those people I helped express their gratitute and trust in me. That is far more rewarding compared to the quick hit from any brain chemistry when looking at a bunch of data points or a bunch of money.

Unfortunately, I can’t make money this way. Not in the way I want to learn, teach and empower other people. I’m terrified of going into a career that will destroy my innate desire to help others. I know it’ll wreck me in the process. Again.

Capitalism destroys everything it touches by sucking all the life, creativity and humanity out of it until there’s a empty shell left behind. An empty shell that looks like every other empty shell. All those empty shells can be counted, given a value and sold. Reducing us and the human experience to yet another data point.

I truly hope more people come to understand that these data points don’t have to put us in a competitions with each other. That our value as people can come from places that don’t have/need to be from a number value.

One day, our planet will die. One day the last historian will die and all that data and preserved knowledge will sit and decay. It’s human knowledge and it’s meaning has more value to humans than any other living creature on our planet.

Personally, I’d rather live a life where my actions are responsible for the wellbeing of myself, my community and the land under my feet. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if my value can’t be reduced to a number.

I have the ability to make others feel safe and comfortable to be their themselves. It’s always a shock to me how comfortable some people get around me. I’m still waiting for someone to make me feel the same way.

I’ve been enjoying the use or weird lately. I’ve had some strong personal opinions on language lately. A lot of it comes with a huge increase of new words that sort of seem abstract from it’s meaning.

I think with how rapid information can spread to large groups of people, it’s just too fast for my mind to keep up. All of a sudden I feel like I’m in a war with words and who knows which landmine of a word will get you in trouble. It causes me even more anxiety when someone comes at you with manipulative intentions in order to control the direction of the discussion.

I think weird works because it’s an almost basic word. It’s simple and descriptive. It’s not a newer, more specific word that requires a deeper understanding of a broader topic. It’s understood by more people. People with varying degrees of language knowledge including people whose native language is not English. It’s easier for more people to understand.

It’s a lot easier to understand someone is weird compared to someone being a fascist.

This feels like satire? A site called real men, real style with an article about penises?

I just assume it’s code for “sword fighting.”

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I’ve found myself lately a lot more interested in games that don’t focus heavily on graphics but instead allow other parts of the game to speak for itself. This allows for the imagination to fill in the gaps, as you mentioned.

I’ve been playing a lot or Caves of Qud recently. It’s a rogue-like game with tile graphics and colourful text. Somehow this menu simulator game has drawn me into it’s harsh and unforgiving world. The tile based graphics actually allows for an amazing amount of creative freedom both from the developer and player point of views. The developer has created this futuristic planet with mutants and cybernetics roaming the planet trying to survive. The player has the freedom to play as they like and create the most unique characters they can imagine. My current character has two hearts, a scorpion tail, a fanged beak, two dagger wielding claws and a habit for stabbing.

I think the rise of constantly better technology has inadvertently encouraged a focus on better graphics over other aspects of video games. While there are some absolutely beautiful games with higher hardware demand, I think as of late, I’m yearning for games that focus more on story or gameplay. Games where you can feel the developer’s passion. Games with polish and attention to details in the most unexpected ways. Games that attempt to push boundaries within certain limitations (think hardware or graphic styles for example).

I think what I want is a game that feels like I’m reading a fiction book in a way. What I mean is that when you read a work of fiction, your imagination is filling in all that visual information. A game can provide you more than just text, but if it can balance graphics, gameplay and story, it can really transport and immerse your imagination into that world.

I’m glad to see more posts recently with a push towards regenerative farming practices. In the past when I talked about it, I was either largely ignored or got a lot or push back to continue with modern, standard practices dependant on chemicals or fertilisers.

In my opinion, understanding the importance of what lives in the soil, what their roles are in their ecosystem and how to cater to those living organisms is all very important to growing crops.

I’ve had a lot of trouble finding decent or reliable information online about regenerative farming. I’ve taken a lot of inspiration from what little I’ve learned from indigenous cultures that I’ve been exposed to in my life and have been fumbling my way around experimenting with my garden over the past couple years.

The article mentions how some people find regenerative farms look messy. I think the wild, natural look makes everything seem more beautiful. With diverse crops and crop cover, it brings more pollinators and more life to my little garden in this suburban wasteland of cut grass lawns and driveways.

I really like the idea of regenerative land use.

I managed to learn quite a bit about living soil when I created a terrarium. Understanding the role of each part in an enclosed ecosystem really reframed what I thought a garden should look and act like.

I was able to build a garden last year and I’ve kept a focus on trying to build a good home for the life living within the soil.

Keeping a cover crop such as clover really helped keep moisture in the soil. By mid summer, I was able to skip days watering my garden because the soil remained so moist. That constant moisture is great for any bacteria or fungi living in the soil. Also great for worms and isopods since they require high humidity as well.

I also chopped up any waste from trimming back some plants and threw it back in there as food for what’s living in the soil. Chopping the waste up also sped up it’s decomposition so it didn’t sit around for long.

Last Fall I also took some leaves from the trees and made a layer on top of the soil. I thought it would be a good idea to add a protective layer before the snow came. As a bonus, the extra leafy goodness would be broken down in the spring to be added back into the soil. I couldn’t find any information about doing something like that online but I figured trying to recreate forest-like conditions would be beneficial for the soil.

With a focus on what’s in the soil, I’m hoping that above ground becomes the delicious bonus. I am allowing some native plants to grow alongside my crops to attract a variety of pollinators which seemed to work well last year.

This year is only my second year with my garden so I’m still observing, learning and adapting things. I’ve recently noticed some native chickweed growing will be watching to see how it acts this year as ground cover alongside my clover.

A long time ago I came across a game that was part of a 1mb challenge. It’s called A New Zero. I played it quite a lot, just flying around and dive bombing boats was entertaining enough for me.

I was impressed with 1mb but 13kb and 96kb is pretty amazing. I really enjoy seeing stuff like this.

This game has caught my eye. The visual style alone is what really draws me in to the world.

There’s something about the Half-Life-ish graphics and unique style that sort of hits a personal nostalgia for me. It has a wonderful combination of weird and abstract with a touch of familiarity. It also feels both vibrant and gritty at the same time. Something I didn’t realize I was missing so much. Especially after playing Baldur’s Gate 3 which has absolutely gorgeous but very busy graphics.

After I get over my Caves of Qud hyperfixation, I am definitely going to pick this game up.

I wouldn’t mind if societies also made some compromises for me too. Currently it feels like I’m making all the compromises to fit in but made to feel like it’s never enough.

Feels like I’m trying to fix an awful relationship by doing all the hard work myself. I’m tired.

For a little background, I worked in the field for about 5-6 years, half the time as a contractor/helper, and the other half as an apprentice (which I never completed). The company built automation lines which primarily did metal welding. High voltage spot welding, Automated MIG welding and Laser welding/braising.

As for wastefulness, I don’t even know where to start and I am sure I will miss a bunch of things. In no particular order of importance:

1. Automation requires A LOT of materials. Pipes, cables, trays, robots, supports, safety, devices, fasteners and the list goes on. Keep in mind that All these materials need to be extracted, transported, refined and remade into what we need to build an automation line.

2. Automation is Heavily dependent on fossil fuels. We need machines to extract raw materials. We need machines to transport raw materials. We need machines and heat to refine raw materials. We need machines and heat to create a final product. We need to transport those final products and then we can finally work with that final product to install into an automation line. Some materials that we work with such as cables, hosing and tubing will create some sort of waste during the installation process. Maybe not as much as the other steps but it all adds up in the end.

I worked in electrical and all of our cables would have some sort of plastic/rubber/silicone sheathing. I honestly don’t know how we can expect to keep up with the growing electrical demand AND cut down on crude oil extraction. We need insulators to safely use electricity and plastics do that job very well.

I don’t know how resource extensive it is to make a microprocessor, but I imagine it still takes a lot of machinery and heat to create them. Microprocessors are in a lot of devices used in automation.

3. Wear and tear on mechanical parts. Robots are great for doing repetitive tasks. Robots and anything that moves (conveyors or clamps, for example) will involve moving parts. Anything with moving parts will wear down eventually. Those parts are generally trashed and replaced with a functioning part.

4. Electronic Devices. Computers, PLC (Programmable Logic Controllers), Sensors, power supplies, transformers, lights, and HMI (Human-Machine Interface) are some of the devices used in automation. Lots of plastics, metals and microprocessors. Since these are electronic devices, they need to be shipped in plastic to ensure the devices are free from moisture or shock damage. The plastic wrapping and plastic shock foam pads that have no purpose after the device has been removed from the packaging get thrown out.

5. Shipping. Everything coming in or leaving has to be shipped. For smaller items, they may be bundled up on a transport skid which may mean it is wrapped in layers and layers of shipping plastic wrap in order to secure the load. Larger items may require plastic or metal tie-down straps. All of which are disposed of after use. Robots, tooling, fencing, piping, cables, power disconnects and so on are VERY heavy. All this weight requires so much fuel to transport from place to place before reaching the final installation site.

6. Reusing vs. replacing. Depending on the request, we may reuse old robots or tools but in many cases, A LOT of old, still usable material just gets chucked into the trash. Companies care less about waste and more about downtime. It’s far quicker to tear out the old, bring in new cables/piping/tray, slap it in and get that power running as soon as possible.

7. Weight. Things are getting heavier. Heavier stuff means bigger robots. Bigger robots require more power. You can probably look back at some previous points to understand why the extra weight is not good.

8. Energy consumption. As we push further into automation, we require more electrical power. Before I left my company, the power demand was increasing at a mind blowing rate. Towards the end of my time there, I spent months with a couple other people prepping high voltage power main disconnects. When I first started there, there was only one person prepping disconnects when the demand required it.

9. Oils and fumes. Moving parts generally require lubrication. Greases and oils are generally not so nice to the environment considering the actions required to handle, dispose of, or clean up oil. Lots of fumes are created from welding metal together and it’s pretty nasty stuff. My patience with that company disappeared after they started welding aluminum without filtering the aluminum welding fumes.

10. Management are prideful idiots. The dingleberries that run the place have no idea what they are doing and have no idea what it takes to build an automation line. Some of their mistakes cost millions of dollars in wasted materials and all that shit just gets chucked. It’s fucking mind blowing.

I’m sure there’s more but my brains done with this for now. Automation is super cool and fun to watch when all is done and it’s running. It can definitely push out higher production numbers compared to humans. It is definitely not as green or sustainable as any tech company would want you to believe. I believe, from my perspective and experiences in that field, it’s an unsustainable disaster. If it seems like a green alternative, it’s because we aren’t talking about the resource requirements to build, maintain and upgrade automation systems and only focusing on the production output.

Personally, I believe our green alternatives shouldn’t depend on green technology but rather draw heavy inspiration from nature itself. The hard part about that is imagining a life that isn’t intertwined with capitalism, money and hierarchy. Once we shrug off those evils, we can start to observe and listen to nature again.

I had to leave the automation industry because othe reckless waste of resources the automation industry requires. It was becoming an unbearable burden on my mind.

I thought I was being smart by using this company as a way to quickly get my electrical apprenticeship completed. Get in, get out then find somewhere quiet to live. Instead, I got used up and discarded while the entire time being treated like the dirt under a pile of shit. My prize for attempting to game capitalism, even in the smallest of ways.

Since my youth, I had been lectured in school about the dangers of climate change. The only news I ever gave any attention to was environmental news. When I was in my early/mid 20’s, I made many changes to my lifestyle and future plans based on the fact that my elder years would be on a planet ruined by industrialization.

But everything is happening faster than expected. When COVID entered the global scene in 2020 and I saw the disorganized and uncooperative response from governments and corporations, I entered a state of existential dread. Once again, my future plans were cut short. Very short. By emotionally stunted children in positions of power. And the near future these very same people are creating is just depressing.

I don’t do much these days. I keep it simple. I don’t feel bad about how little I do. Small as it seems, doing less makes me feel less disgusted by my impacts on this planet. The way I look at it, if capitalism always demands positive accumulation of productivity and resources then the opposite, doing less, is a radical act of defiance against capitalism itself. I don’t need this justification, it just amuses me. I’m much happier now by doing less because doing less makes me content. On top of that, my mind is plagued with a lot less guilt knowing I’m not actively working against the environment for the sake of making a paycheck.

I’ve had the opportunity to live in Australia and had a chance to learn of the indigenous people there. Their stories and history. I made an effort to learn a bit more about how life was like before colonialists. Or at least what we were able to learn about life before colonialism as a lot of that information is filtered through colonialist eyes.

When I returned home to Canada, I was able to unpack all that I learned from the treatment of Australian indigenous people and apply that perspective to the Canadian Indigenous people. Honouring the land doesn’t simply mean how we treat our food or living sustainably. It includes the nature bound history and stories that communities have created and shared as it moved forward in history. A story of a volcano that was so destructive could live on for many human generations to come as it becomes a crucial story of the peoples that lived in that area. Breaking away from modern perspectives on human histories is difficult because there’s so much nuance that never gets recorded.

I don’t know how fair it is to compare pre-colonialist indigenous people’s behaviour to post colonialism. There are a lot of factors and skewed perspectives that need to be understood before I could talk more on that. From what I have learned, I also don’t think it’s fair to judge indigenous people’s behaviours to new technologies that was introduced after the arrival of Europeans. I feel it’s somewhere on the level of blaming children for the problems of today when it’s always been the adults who exploited and crafted everything there is today. I don’t believe the indigenous people’s ignorance to their own genocide should be their blame. This is just my perspective on things and I still have lots to learn regarding indigenous people and their history. I can always be wrong.

I also feel you quoted me unfairly. Later in that same paragraph I try to express that pre-colonialist life would not be easy, that it would be short and harsher and full of it’s own unique challenges. I’d prefer a short and intense life with daily struggles compared to a long, drawn out existence maintaining complex machines and worrying about the future. But that’s just me.