Copypasting an intentionally hingeless rant I sent in a group-chat some years back:
I do not care for the ocean… But most of the ocean is just sorta THERE. They’re ugly and freaky but they just do their thing because they are brainless. Someitmes literally. The Man-o-War has giant building-sized tentacles because it LITERALLY does not have a brain, and so compensates by being a living fishing net. You gonna hate on a creature that doesn’t even know it exists? Like sure, do that, but it’s like being angry at a rock.
Dolphins though? Dolphins are different. Dolphins have tasted of the fruit of knowledge, on the same day humans, corvids, rats, and elephants ate the fruit and were cast out of paradise, the Dolphins crawled out of the sea, climbed the tree with their little flippers, and gorged themselves on those forbidden fruits.
Dolphins have complete knowledge of good and evil. AND THEY HAVE CHOSEN EVIL.
Dolphins hunt for sport and leave their kills to rot.
Dolphins use live blowfish as dolphin weed.
Dolphins rape animals, not limited to other dolphins, but interspecies rape too.
AND dolphins get all sorts of special treatment from idiot humans who think that because they are squeaky and can jump through hoops, they must be like doggos from the ocean. In reality they are the spawn of Satan upon this world.
I hear you, but fuck rocks.
Shark’ll just eat you.
A dolphin will drown you and then fuck your corpse.
If that’s what it takes to finally get some action.
Sharks result in about 8 human fatalities per year.
Humans result in about 100 Million shark fatalities per year.
Suddenly the misrepresentation starts to make sense.
Animals don’t have the same moral framework as humans, and their actions are often driven by instinct or curiosity rather than a concept of morality. If we can somehow prove that dolphins have a concept of morality and decide to act upon what they consider immoral, then I suppose that some could be considered malicious/evil. Given their cerebral volume, I believe dolphins have the cognitive capacity for this, but I’m not aware of research that proves it. If anyone has any scientific journals on the topic, that would be an informative read.
If they do in fact have a moral compass, that leans into a wider topic: absolute versus relative morality.
Orcas are the biggest of the dolphins, and they are nightmare fuel for anything they decide is food.
Are you a great white shark that just smelled an orca? Better nope out to the other side of the planet before the orca eats your liver.
Are you a seal just swimming along? Oops, an orca just yeeted you 30 ft into the air with a tail slap, and is going to eat your stunned ass when you land.
Are you a smart seal who thinks they’re safe on the ice? Nope. Orcas will break up the ice and knock you off using waves.
Are you a grown ass moose casually going for a swim without a worry in the world? Forgot about one of your only natural predators. Now you’ve been eaten by an orca.
There’s a reason they’re called killer whales!
It’s a bit of a misnomer.
Orcas, despite being dolphins, are commonly called ‘killer whales’ due to a mistranslation of the Spanish phrase ‘asesino de ballenas’ which means ‘whale killer.’ This name comes from ancient sailors observing them hunt larger whales.
A more technically accurate translation would’ve been whale killers.
Dolphins are a kind of whale, so the name works either way.
But they’re not whales…
Yes, they are. Dolphins are a type of whale (And orcas are a type of dolphin).
Well, that’s cheating!
Shut up simian. Eat a banana or something.
Yeah, vegetables are healthy.
Sure they are now continue eating the bananas, you definitely can’t get radiation poisoning from them.
They are. But are jackdaws crows?
Is a hot dog a sandwich?
I would say yes.
You’d be wrong, it’s a taco
Disagree unless it’s eaten with a tortilla rather than bread. The materials used matters, not just the shape.
Only one of these creatures has “decapitated a fish to use as a Fleshlight” on their resume.
They only do that when they don’t have a woman scientist to jerk them off.
How did y- oh, you’re talking about the dolphin. Yes. There dolphin did that 👀
How do they do it? Asking for a
frienddolphin
What they have in common is that they’re both extremely smooth
Story time. A couple years ago, we were sailing off the US east coast around South Carolina, and as you do in that situation, we were trailing a fishing line behind the boat in hopes of catching something. Suddenly, we were surrounded by dolphins giving us a show, jumping in the waves, playing around the bow, all that jazz. The kids were delighted, we were taking pictures and videos and generally enjoying ourselves when we noticed some splashing a little distance behind the boat. We pulled up the fishing line only to find that the lure and tackle were missing. Looks like the sneaky fuckers were distracting us while they stole our dinner!
Do you think they knew it was your fish and not just fish that were in the ocean? Not sure they can make that connection.
If they didn’t know they wouldn’t have said “so long and thanks for all the fish”
If they didn’t understand the connection between the fish and the fishers then they wouldn’t have sent over a distraction.
That’s my point, that it was not meant as a distraction. They were just having fun like they are known to do and eating fish like they are known to do.
Dolphins would fuck your family dude, those things are godless
This reminds me of the dolphin jokes that Lower Decks got away with in almost every season. Dolphins + Universal Translator = Instant workplace harassment.
They need Jeeezus!
OMG. Wait. If we ever do try to figure out how to translate their language…
Someone is going to actually try to teach them Christianity. I guarantee it. It’s inevitable.
Mark my words, the moment dolphins become christian they’ll start a crusade and I don’t want to be around for that
There’s an interesting fate I would have never seen coming,…burned at the stake in the name of Dolphin Jesus.
If it is true that man was made in God’s image then we are ungodly creatures in the eyes of devout Christian dolphins
Feel like they have ATHF Hand Banana energy.
“What do you think he means by that? ‘Tonight, you’? Like it’s some kinda threat?”
I grew up being taught that dolphins are like dogs that swim and orcas are dangerous.
Turns out orcas love humans and refuse to attack us unless we are being flaming assholes and dolphins are just born evil.
Orcas are dolphins, though. Do you mean bottlenose dolphins specifically?
Dolphins are assholes.
Huffing Pufferfish and taping seals.
Also, sharks side eye and look very cuddly :3
Media media
Media media
so long and thanks for all the fish
